Lactose Intolerance
by Zebvlun
Summary: This story is about how a hero mysteriously acquired the worst medical condition of all. It will starve you to death! Fail summary, I know. But more fail stuffs inside. Read if you're curious. Remember, I warned you! thank God it's a oneshot. XD


_A/N: Okay, sorry, I became too much of a megalomaniac lately that I uploaded this probably horrid fic. Lol. I say it's a poor excuse of a humor story, but *sigh* the other dwellers of my body say I must publish it because it will seem like I've just been wasting time at school writing this._

_So… please try to enjoy… at least. XD_

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><p>When America barges into a conference room, he's sure to catch attention. Well, he indeed caught everybody's attention today, but it wasn't through his usual way. America didn't barge or run or jump or even fly into the room; he WALKED. Slowly, staring at the floor, shoulders slumped and hands empty of any fastfood meal. He looked as if he was suffering from depression and it was almost pitiful.<p>

"Is there something wrong, America?" England asked, concerned and curious at the same time.

But America walked past his former guardian like a ghost oblivious of its surroundings.

There were murmurs and whispers among the nations as they watched the United States of America move towards the platform like a restless phantom.

"Good morning, everyone." It was too formal of a greeting from the usually rambunctious nation.

"Ve~ America, are you alright?" Italy asked.

America dramatically shook his head, and began to speak once more. "Today, I have something important to tell you all."

The other nations grew quiet, eager to hear what the United States of America had to say.

"Just recently, I learned that I have a serious medical condition."

The crowd gasped in almost perfect simultaneity. The crowd began to buzz once more and it grew to a collection of discussions happening at once.

"Do you have cancer?" Some nations asked.

"Maybe it's AIDS!" France hollered.

"If someone here has AIDS, it would be you." The United Kingdom snapped at his neighbor.

"Come again, Angleterre." And the next thing they knew, the two European countries were at each other's throats… as usual.

"Is it the foot-and-mouth disease?"

"A(H1N1)?"

"Bird Flu?"

The countries present mentioned another long list of all the serious diseases they can think of. But among all of those speculations, America would either say 'no', 'not that' or simply shake his head.

"Then what is it? Tell us!" Germany's voice rose above the commotion.

America looked down as he played with his fingers. "Guys, it's lactose intolerance."

_~O~_

Alfred F. Jones had been too busy lately. He had absolutely no time to relax or eat his favorite foods. At last, yesterday, he was able to have some rest; and of course, the day won't be complete without hamburgers.

His brother, Canada, was with him at the time. America was doing most- if not all- of the talking as he ate his meal. Then, just minutes after the United States consumed his food, his stomach felt weird. He rushed into the comfort room to do whatsoever he needed to do there, but right after he stepped out of the comfort room, he had to go back again… and again… and again.

"What the hell is happening with me?" America finally had the time to ask no one in particular.

"Maybe it's because of something you ate." Canada said. Or rather whispered.

"I only ate cheeseburgers the whole day."

"You haven't eaten any dairy products lately, right?"

"Too busy for that, duh."

"And the cheeses in the cheeseburgers were your only dairy products after a long time?"

"Think so."

"Uhmm, I'm just guessing. But what if you've become lactose intolerant?"

"Lactose what? Oh wait, I've heard that before. Does it mean I can't drink milk anymore?" Alfred's eyes widened at his brother and stood up abruptly.

Matthew nodded.

"I can't have butter?"

"I guess so."

"No cheese?"

"Uh-huh."

"B-but, how can I-? What about the hamburgers? And fries dipped in cheese?"

"Well, you can eat them without cheese, right?"

Alfred collapsed back to his seat, staring blankly into space.

"Come on, brother, it's not that bad."

Silence.

"Alfred, I think you're over-reacting."

"But what the hell am I gonna eat?" He raised a pair of blue puppy eyes at Matthew.

"Anything lactose-free." Canada said with a shrug.

"Then I can eat nothing! Oh, Mattie, I'm gonna die from hunger! Oh my God it's torture!"

"Calm down, Alfred! You're a country, you're not gonna die!" Matthew rose and put his hands on his brother's shoulders.

"But what if I will, and my country will die with me? What'm I gonna do?"

"America, there are a lot of foods out there without lactose."

"Well, duh! Like I can call them foods!"

Canada knew for a fact that arguing with America would be pointless. So he gave it up and let go of his brother who sat on his chair like a lifeless sack.

"I'm gonna starve to death…"

Matthew could only sigh.

And that was how a hero mysteriously acquired the worst medical condition of all. It will deprive you of the food you know and will replace your sanity with famine. Then it will drain your body of all nutrition, torture your empty digestive system and then, slowly, painfully, take your life away. Well that's just how Alfred F. Jones, the personification of the United States of America, sees LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

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><p><em>AN: This could have been my reaction when I knew I was lactose intolerant myself, if it wasn't for that oh-so-serious-looking doctor in front of me. But I tell you it ain't easy, dude! I can't eat cheese, drink milk or eat anything with butter because of that. It makes me feel like I'm not going to have enough calcium to last my eternally epic life. *sorry, megalomania attacked* Plus it makes me feel hungry most the time cuz I always get to see my baby brother drink his milk. Well, thanks a lot to my father's cooking, I was able to move on with enough tasty foods, er, nevermind what my mother makes. XP_

_Anyway…_

**REVIEW AND REVIEW! :D**


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